Okay so to start with.. I'm sorry:( I'm so sorry for not posting in a while. There isn't even any excuse I can give either. To start with my laptop stopped working, I'm not even sure how but the internet wouldn't come on for two months and then after that I kind of forgot how to write a blog post again haha but hopefully this one wont be so bad.
First of here is a little update on how things are going with me.
The whole dad situation has gone completely out of the window. Like entirely, his last words to me actually were " You might aswell pretend that I am dead because I don't want you to talk to me again " ... wow...
So yeah we aren't talking.. again.. shocker!
Dancing has changed. We've got an AMAZING new Ballet teacher, She's so lovely and she also suffers with anxiety and panic attacks so we have a lot in common and she's so nice and easy to talk to and we just along instantly and I would now class her as one of my best friends. But dancing has also got very stressful for me at the moment. A few people have been leaving dancing and as alot of them class me as the mum of the group I feel like it needs to be me to sort it out. It's just hard seeing all these people that you love and care about just leave and you don't know if they will stay in contact, I mean I've known alot of these girls since they were little, I've seen them grow up into the young beautiful ladies they are now and its so upsetting to think I'm not going to get to see them any more. I know thats just me being paranoid but I do genuinely care about these people and I always just want the best for them.
I have a dance show coming up on the 13th December ahhh!! Exciting but Scary :( I love dancing and I love giving people entertainment but the fear of messing up and things going wrong and people not showing up terrifies me like so much!
I wasn't to sure whether or not to post this but I now have a boyfriend. Luckily he's rather amazing and if I'm having a down day then he does sit and listen ( even though he probably has no idea what I'm talking about ) and then when I've stopped my ranting he'll give me a cuddle and make me a hot drink and put on one of my fav films which is lovely bless him.
But on the down side...
Over the past two - three months now I've had some trouble.
1. Sleep.
On a good night I get about 6-7 hours sleep but pretty much every other night I get 4-5 hours sleep. I can be so tired and feel so exhausted but as soon as I get into bed my mind works so much and I can't go to sleep.
2. Pains.
I've had some pains in my stomach. I'm not sure what they are but they get alot worse when I start to panic. I do believe they are caused by stress and my anxiety but its starting to get to the point where I feel like I'm going to have to go to the doctors to make sure. They are in my lower stomach and every now and then its just a cramping feeling but I'm getting it throughout the month like day and night non stop. The only time it seems to settle down is when I'm that zoned out I'm not thinking about it or I'm too busy to think about it. I've had this type of thing before from my anxiety ( Just a horrible add on effect I'm afraid ) so hopefully it will go once my dance show is over? I don't know but we'll see.
3. Arguments.
Me and mum have been going through abit of a rough patch.. Mum has had alot of stress from work and I'm the only person she see's that she can release that on to. So as you can imagine there have been a few arguments in our household but we seem to be getting better now.
4. Break Downs.
So as I mentioned above I have had a few days where all I've done is cry all day. One of the main reasons as to why and all I've been saying on them days is " I just want to escape "
" I wish I could just have at least a 10 min tea break " Yes that all sounds very confusing to some people but if anyone else reading this suffers with a 'Mental Illness' whatever it may be I'm sure you understand. It's hard to explain to someone what you mean by them statements above they think we may mean literally like to go on a Caribbean cruise or something like that but we don't. What we're really trying to say is, we just want a break from our own minds.
The mind is a powerful thing and its hard to switch it off. If you're like me and you over think everything to the point of when you're about to break then its hard. It's also hard when people that can go out and get a job then come back to you and say "You don't understand" or "You can just sit at home all day and do nothing I only get one break" But all I can think is, it must be nice to get a break though.. It may seem to some people that I'm sat at home doing nothing but I'm constantly doing something. I'm constantly battling with myself and most of the time I feel like I'mm loosing and I'd be lying if I said any different. But if you don't suffer with a mental illness please please please don't tell them about how easy they have it because we really don't have it easy at all. Imagine someone constantly beating you down, everything you do they drag you down and when you should be enjoying yourself they turn it into a horrible experience. Now imagine that 24/7 in your head where no one else can see whats happening. If you think that's easy be my guest and borrow my anxiety for just one day because I'm sure you'd come out of the experience feeling alot different than before.
I'm sorry this was such a long post but I'd like to know what some of you think about people that think anxiety is an easy excuse out of things. As always I'm always here to talk to anyone that needs it.
Twitter- @Chaar_Louise_H
Email- chaar.louise7@icloud.com
I hope you are all well and have a good day!
Love char x
