An Inside On Char.

Hey, so I was thinking and why would you take advice from someone you know nothing about? I mean what if I haven't been through any of what I'm writing about? So here is a little insight of me.

I'm Charlotte.
Age: 18
Hair Colour: I am naturally Blonde but I know am Brunette.

Eye Colour: Brown Eyes.

Height: 4ft11
Favourite Colour: Orange.

Blah blah blah... more pointless stuff:')

Basically I am a teenage girl that is tiny. When I was younger I got bullied so so so much just because of my height. I was always smaller than the other people in my school but it never used to bother me. I then started to get names yelled at me like 'midget' 'dwarf' 'titch' and a few more now these names don't seem bad, but when they get yelled at you like 60 times in one day it starts to get a little hurtful and then you start to notice that you're a different size by alot. Now I'm not a 'midget' or a 'dwarf' i am infact just small. As weeks went on some of the older kids in my school would push me around and laugh at me they would push me down and tell me to get in a plant pot and grow. I'd come home from school covered in cuts and bruises etc. but I never said why I'd just say oh I fell over in the playground. I don't want anyone to see that I'm weak so I just left it and let it carry on.
I can remember one day in the school holidays I was riding my scooter up and down the path outside my house and some of the older kids that were in my middle school rode past me pushed me off my scooter and then two off the older boys held me on the floor while the other rode over my arms with his bike he did this a few times. Obviously I was screaming and crying my eyes out and my parents heard me and came out to see if I had fell off, when they seen the boys they started to run up the path and the boys rode off. They got away and I couldn't remember what they looked like because I was in so much pain.

Luckily after that the pushing and stuff eventually stopped but the name calling carried on but I tried to not let it get to me as much.
After this I wasn't too bad for a few years. Things weren't fantastic at home but it wasn't really anything to overwhelming. 

After a few years went by things started to get bad between me and my dad, we would argue and he would blame things on me and we ended up not really speaking. Things got so bad he actually would tell me that I was a mistake, he wishes that I wasn't born, I made his life hell and that he HATED me. So from then I always had my back up with him. Me and my dad never really bonded but I always assumed he loved me, but I guess any child would. But as he said them words nothing was the same. I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore and I could tell that he didn't love me just like he said. So as the weeks went on we didn't talk and things just got awkward. Everytime we spoke it wouldn't be talking it'd be shouting. In the end we didn't talk and things weren't good between him and mum either so after years of all this mum decided that she no longer wanted to be married to him so she asked for a divorce. Dad then turned this round to me and told me that it was my fault and I came inbetween their marriage and when mum leaves he then wants nothing to do with me. Obviously this was hard to hear. Yeah we didn't get on but you still want acceptance and love from your family members and I wanted nothing more than for my dad to want me and love me because I loved him an awful lot and infact I still do despite how he is with me. 

Another big set back for me was my auntie. She was fine with me through everything. She was a little on a weird side but isn't everyone? Well that's what I thought until one night when she turned up at my house and attacked my mum. I witnessed it all and it was one the scariest things I've ever witnessed. Once that night was over her attention turned to me and she started threatening me telling my friends to warn me that I needed to watch my back or else she would get me and i started to get death threats and other things which scared me so much. Even though the police got involved it still scares me to this day, I still have nightmares and get paranoid as I walk by myself its hard. The police officer really helped me through it though she was amazing. 

While all this was going on I started to get really anxious. I wouldn't know that I was being anxious and infact even right up to this point I can't ever really tell when my anxiety is there. It started off with me just feeling sick, then it turned into me being sick. This one just stayed for a long time then it turned into me feeling really light headed and dizzy, I would then pass out and be unconscious.While I was unconscious I would then have a fit where my mouth would froth and sometimes i'd get a nosebleed aswell. I was under investigation for epilepsy for about 2 years which involved so many tests and they never found anything but it was because there was nothing there. It was all down to my anxiety. At first I had NO idea what it meant. When they say 'Mental Health' to you it's scary. When you know nothing about it you just panic, I thought am I crazy? Is there something really wrong with me? Why do I have to go through this? Is it just me that feels this way? It's so confusing. Once all this was going on I started to get a little sad. I felt numb some days, other days I couldn't stop crying and finally it got to the point where I noticed something wasn't right I didn't know what it was but I knew it was something. I wasn't myself and I finally plucked up the courage to tell mum how I was feeling and that's when she took me to the doctors and told them she thought I might have depression. They made me fill in a few forms and spoke to me then they asked me to go see a counsellor. When I finally figured out what it was all about, why I was feeling the way I was it calmed me abit. When it came time for my first counselling session I panicked so so so much I had to take sick bags in with me I was shaking it was hard. 

After all this I'm starting to get better. Very slowly and it's very hard but I'm getting there. I'm not better right now but it takes time.