This Week

This week started by being one of the best weeks for me so far but slowly ended up being one of the worst.

This week on Tuesday I had a minor op on my two big toes. I ended up getting my toenails removed. I was so nervous about it but I was so proud of myself and for the first time in a long time I told myself how good I did. Usually in this type of situation I would pass out and be sick. But none of that happened. I went into the room and I was calm and I put my earphones in and I just sat back and relaxed as the woman did it.

I haven't felt so proud of myself in such a long time I was pretty much on top of the world. I felt like I was ready to face the world head on and I knew that things were getting better.

BUT THEN...

On Thursday I had to go and get the bandages changed on my toes. So I went back to the place where I had my toes done and I was nervous and abit scared about it but I still managed to get there without being sick. But then After the woman had removed all my dressings she started to talk to me about some risks that can happen all of a sudden I started to feel a little weird. I just tried to stay calm and breathe but I could feel myself going so I grabbed mums hand and looked at her. It felt like it was all in slow motion but the next thing I knew I had my mum, the woman doing my toes and a random man standing over me with a bucket being put on my chest under my chin. 

I passed out.. I could hear my mum talking to me asking me if I was okay but I couldn't talk or even move my arms at all and I couldn't keep my head up and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. 
Like you know when you're on the sofa or something and you're so tired but you're trying really hard to stay awake and your eyes keep closing and you shoot them back open? yeah that's what was happening.

So after what seemed like a lifetime I finally started to come back round and the woman carried on with my dressings and I was all done. 

It's safe to say I was shaky and terrified after that

I got home and had a nap but I was so scared and I just felt like crying. I felt like I had let myself down. I was so disappointed. But then I spoke to my best friend Chloe and just letting her know how I felt she told me that I shouldn't feel that way and she was so sweet and I didn't feel so bad about myself anymore. 

The thing you need to remember is you don't have to feel alone because there are people out there that care about you no matter what! If you feel like you don't have anyone you can talk to me and I'll be here for you!

Time Schedules.

We all need time schedules but they can feel horrid. 

We need them for a variety of different reasons but when you have anxiety it can be feel like you've been given a deadline to fail. 

Even time schedules like you need to leave the house by a certain time. All the time leading up to that is time to feel sick and to panic. 

We either feel rushed or we can get impatient and be sat waiting but either way in this time that we are sitting thinking about how much time we have left to be ready and leave and this will start to make us anxious. It happens to alot of us and when we get anxious we start to feel different emotions. 

For example:
We can start to feel Sick, Panicky, Scared and also Upset. There are alot of different emotions that we can feel while we wait and it gets scary which then can lead us to getting more and more anxious about deadlines.

If we get told a date that we have to do something it's horrible because we can't see why other people don't feel sick etc.... but yet we can feel sick straight the way and then it can settle until before the day or we can feel sick and anxious from when we get told right up until the day. It's a horrible feeling but we can get through it. It's scary as hell and I know that. I still struggle now but it's getting easier. Just don't keep cancelling and not doing things because each time we don't do something we are enabling our fears. We need to try and break out of the fear and it will start to get easier everytime you do it. Things will get better I promise.


Trying new things are scary but we need to get through it and we can do it together.

Apologies.

So I haven't been posting as much lately...
If I'm honest the reason is I've had a lot of things going on and for some reason my whole inspiration has gone. 

I'm not sure what it is but I'm just lacking something at the moment. I feel like I'm just going through things but I'm not really  here at the moment.  I'm sure alot of you have gone through a time like this aswell so I'm sorry about not posting but I will start back again and I will have a post ready for Thursday! 

Hope you are all keeping well! love from char x