Horrible feels.

Lately things just haven't really been the same for me.

I'm not sure if its just because of passing out and its set me back or if its because of things to do with my dad but everything has just got so ontop of me and I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. 

At the beginning of the year I was quite content with everything how it was. I was happy and finally in a place where I was starting to feel like I could maybe go places and start to do things a little more and I was starting to feel better. I mean I still had some days where I felt awful and I still had anxiety about going places  but I didn't feel as bad and yet now it's sort of like I'm back at square one.

I'm going to be honest and hold my hands up and say I feel disappointed and deflated. I feel like I've let myself down and I don't have the energy to pick myself up right now. I've been trying so so hard to push a smile on my face for everything and it's just exhausting. If you feel the same as me you'll know exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm getting annoyed at the silliest things, I feel all paranoid yet again and I just keep crying and feeling upset. I feel so stressed with everything its unbelievable. I;mm just so overwhelmed. I know how hard it is to get yourself back up onto the ladder to start climbing back up because you just feel like its a never ending battle that you're never going to win. But in times like these we need to tell ourselves that yeah the ladder might be long and you might slip and fall down a little bit some of the time but you know what? That's okay. We're allowed to fall a little because we need to be stronger and have that extra strength to make it to the top of the ladder. Even when we've reached the top and you're walking on a nice sunny flat ground it will still rain and you may slip but its life. Things like that happen. There will ALWAYS be someone there to help you stand straight back up.

Things can be hard at times and it will always be like that, you have to take the bad with the good. When we are in these situations we just need to try and take our minds of it. We need to not dwell on the bad we need to think of all the good things in our lives and talk to someone that can make you smile and make you forget about all the rubbish going on.

It's  easy to say that it'll all get better just pick yourself up and carry on, when we all know its hard to do but the best we can do is try. I'm always here for anyone that needs my help and if we all open up enough to understand what someone is going through or has been through and just listening to someone whether they are crying or just ranting on about it can make such a difference. If you feel like someone actually cares then that can mean a great deal to someone. Not only would you of gained a friend from that but they will be there if you need them to.

Just try not to judge people and instead try to help. Just by talking to someone can mean so much and you'll pick their day up instantly. 

The worst thing when you're feeling horrible and numb inside is feeling alone. You can be with a group of people and still feel like you don't belong and that they wouldn't notice if you slipped away. Make people feel welcome, talk to them. It might be scary at first but the more people you let see the person you are the more you wont feel trapped and alone. You mainly feel alone because no one knows the 'real' you. The version of you when you do cry and you do get angry and upset and sometimes you just feel numb. When you open yourself up and let people see these sides to you they will know when something is wrong and they will be there for you.

No one will know something is wrong if you keep a fake smile on all the time Let people in and things will start to change. I'm going to try and you should all try aswell.

Whats the best thing to do?

What do you do when you're torn in between what you think is best for your heart?

It's been a while since I last posted but my head has just been so muddled and confused. This is one of the little reasons.

I have had a very rocky relationship with my dad for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we we're good and everything was okay but then it was like a switch and it all went horribly bad.

When it's your family you make alot of allowances as I'm sure you would all agree, But how do you know when enough is enough?

Over and over again I have been hurt and let down by my dad. He doesn't see why I'm tired of having to keep fighting to have a relationship with him. He's my dad it shouldn't be that hard?

His girlfriend was very hurtful to me and  actually told me that I don't deserve to have a dad and he doesn't see anything wrong with that. He thinks its absolutely fine. Well it's not. I have had thoughts for a long time that I'm not good enough and that everyone would be happier without me and both him and her know that and she still said it. How can they not see that its hurtful and its horrible and mean?

I have spoken to my dad about 3 times this year. Everytime we have spoke its because he wanted me to know about something he was having done and he has only spoken to me for the sympathy. Then all of a sudden right near fathers day he wants to talk to me again? 

How am I supposed to believe that he actually wants to speak to me? I've gave him so many chances to have a relationship with me and every single time he has let me down.

I've stayed awake crying and thinking about it over and over in my head but I don't think I can get my hopes up to get let down again. It's emotionally broke me down.

Thinking into the future...

Without talking to my dad.

I won't have my dad at my wedding. ( If I manage to find someone to marry me;D )
He might not get to see my children. ( Which I hopefully will one day have children)

I mean there are alot of things that won't be the same but they are the main two. Every little girl dreams about their wedding and having their dad walk them down the aisle and maybe I won't have that because my dad hasn't bonded with me and has made it clear before that he would rather not have me in his life. How can he give me away when he never let me in?

If we don't talk or see each other how will he know if I have children or not? He won't be a part of their lives. 

But if I do talk to him again what if we come out even worse yet again? I can't take another emotional hit. 



The future is scary but we have to make decisions whether they are hard or not. We just have to make one hope for the best and stick to it.